Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Hurt is real. It is deep; it picks the slightest and deepest wounds imaginable. Years of hurt make it far too easy to take pride in “being tough”. This tough side doesn’t allow us to focus on God or glorify him. Pride is the root of many sins. In the past few weeks and month, I have paraded around in pride. Pride in not wanting to accept help (a I can do everything mentality, I’ve been hurt enough I don’t need people) Crutches certainly don’t allow this view to stick! My knee injury occurred on January 8th, it is now February 15th. Definitely more than a month later, healing apparently takes time and so does God tearing down pride!

My pride doesn’t just get tabbed down solely to doing everything on my own but also pride in being hurt. That’s right. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day; it was always huge with my mom. As kids we always had a box of chocolates waiting on us. Last year I had a hugs from home package, which I smirked off as nothing. Mocking the simple attempt to appease me or make amends. While deep down I secretly liked getting the package. This year was quite different, my mother and I argued over how I’ve failed at so much and how my cell phone was disconnected. No package this year. No email. No text. No call. Nothing from her this year, not even the faintest I love you. I took pride in being hurt; I wanted to know she still cared. I knew packages would eventually end. Yet when they did my world fractured. I expected hurt that finally came through and took pride in being right.

Pride is a horrid sin for which the Lord hates and will address in our lives. Last night I was stuck between to chapters in scripture psalm 51 and Obadiah. Psalm 51:1-2 “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” And Psalm 51:17 “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Pride is crushing and develops a horrible attitude and outlook on things. In Obadiah the people of Edom were prideful. Obadiah 1:2-4 “See, I will make you small among the nations; you will be utterly despised. The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’ Though you soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars, from there I will bring you down,” declares the LORD. From where we are God can bring us down and will. He will do whatever it takes, even if it means physical pain. (In my case a knee injury) Brokenness hurts but is ok. A broken and contrite heart the Lord will not despise.

Monday, January 24, 2011

love redefined

God’s love is more than enough to handle my fear, its issue of trust. Letting go essentially! Love is a subject I've struggled with constantly, it is still being redefined. It is even tattooed on my ankle. Love as a child and growing up in an abusive/manipulative home was conditional. I had to impress to be loved. Contrary to the lie of love I was taught- God's love is UNCONDITIONAL. God's love is faithful, true and everlasting, far deeper than any love I could imagine!

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

God has proved to be faithful in my life in numerous circumstances providing things I needed, not on my time but his. Yet I fear in my current situation. My knee should have healed enough to warrant not using crutches and shouldn't still be swelling as bad. If it doesn't heal surgery is necessary, which brings about fear. I've been telling God no! No I won’t allow surgery, No I'm independent, No you can't do that and I don't have time for this. God makes time- surprise! I'm certainly not on my time anyways- it's all his. Regarding my knee I must ask- Is this fear valid? God is love?!  Perfect love cast out all fear right?!? So what is this fear?!?  A result of not letting go…his love is more than enough to triumph my fears.

His love is agape. Agape is as my bible defines "undefeatable, benevolence, and unconquerable goodwill that seeks the highest of the other person no matter what he does..." It is also everlasting. God's love today is the same love that held Job in his times of despair. His love is also truth.

John 8:32 "You shall know the truth and it shall set you free" The truth this verse is referring to is God.

I’m certain there is much more to his love I have yet to discover. It started with truth then faithfulness and trust. In psalm 25:4-5 David prayed for God to teach and show him truth. (I pray this for my own life)

Psalm 25:4-5 “show me your ways, O Lord; teach me in your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; on you I wait all the day.”

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

xanga posts moved :)

"Because I love you"

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

It’s been one week on crutches. Two week prior to today my God time was slim to none. On January 9th I had worked a full day and had to move back to Bryan (due to an impending snow storm). I certainly was in a rush to return to school before the snow started- and still needed to pack (from staying with the May’s family) The entire ride to the May’s home God’s voice in a small whisper kept saying “SPEND TIME WITH ME NOW”  I shrugged it off and argued aloud with him in the car. I was “to busy” for the most important aspect of my life. I returned to Bryan and finished moving by midnight and settled to unpack and watch the snow fall. God’s voice became louder “SPEND TIME WITH ME!”  “I’ll do it tomorrow- I don’t have time today” was my final response. My night was not restful.  I awoke to a sense of awe- Plenty of snow blanketing the earth. Magnificent, beautiful, white and cleansing!  Leaving my room to sled the that morning (a total mess- clothes, food...etc. scattered across the floor) I ventured as far as the gravel lot near the soccer field and slid standing up some of the way down (almost like skiing?) and couldn’t step over the curb and hyperextend my knee (my knee bent to far inward) this certainly wrecked my day at the time! I returned from the hospital with orders to stay off of my leg until it healed…I returned and had to have help maneuvering around, cleaning and putting all of my clothes and such away- I was helpless and angry with God. Classes started Wednesday- on crutches it was certainly interesting! I had to accept help getting food in the cafeteria, help up stairs and carrying things! Certainly a dent in my pride.  In the last few days I’ve spent more time talking and arguing with God over various things and received a radical answer after chapel on Friday. “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!”  All of this strife because he loves me? Really? You betcha! The 23rd Psalm begins with “The lord is my shepherd I shall not want…”  the correlation has clicked- if a shepherd has sheep that doesn’t listen to his voice he breaks the sheep’s leg and binds it up to heal while carrying the sheep like a child in pouch around his neck. By the time the sheep’s leg has healed the sheep doesn’t forget the shepherd’s voice. I’ve been too busy to stop and listen to God’s voice and give him time, my time prior to my injury consisted more of a wish list, telling God everything he needed to fix in my life. Who am I to demand from the creator of the universe such things as that? My injury has definitely been an attitude check in many ways.
Today was a prime example of an attitude check. I went to lighthouse counseling center for MLK day. I went with the notion “I can’t do anything I’m crippled” HA! - was I proved wrong. I was blessed in more than one way there! Plenty of seated jobs to do- dusting plants and minor painting. I saw the counselors who helped me so much in the last year, to stop cutting. I’ve finally established the concept, I am free. Nothing can take that away from me. The truth sets me free (John 8:32 “you shall know the truth and it shall set you free”) and though I’m free this doesn’t mean I’ll never be tempted to cut. Satan knows it’s my weakness. It’s rewarding to finally see where you are currently and where you have come and to be able to share and hear others journey in Christ. I’ve certainly needed an attitude check in several ways this week. My pride- it’s still falling. My desperate prayer for weeks to come is healing (obviously) and to stop and listen! Nothing having to be still to listen! It’s rough but with absolute certainty I know this is not my plan but his…

Forever you are faithful :)

 (dec 30th 2010)
Life was never promised to be easy, yet when it doesn’t go my way I break out into a temper tantrum, trying to control, sort and worry over everything within grasp. Perhaps some of these things not going my way are actually God’s way. In controlling things on my own truth become twisted and get slammed into a vortex of lies. Take worry for example, I’ve worried over paying bills numerous times.  This past spring semester the remainder of my tuition bill was $1,841.00. Two days before that amount was due my federal income tax check came, it was $1,861.00. That was 20 dollars over the amount I needed. My new job also provides another example; my checking had nothing but pocket change. Certainly not enough to cover a bill. Double that amount was made in tips last night, enough to pay the bill, have dinner, put gas in the car and still have a few dollars left over. Aside from money there is worrying about housing, it being Christmas break the dorms at Bryan are naturally closed. In desperation and worry and fear of not controlling the situation I began wishing Christmas away. It certainly did not go away, thankfully! Rather, it was redefined to be one of the best Christmas’ I’ve ever had. Christmas with my family was always full of fighting in every aspect known to man. Christmas day we gathered round the table for a silent meal and promptly left, it was always a concern of material items. My parents went into debt for all of the items given to us, and almost always were the latest and brand new in style…contrary this Christmas, spent with the Goggans family was quite different. It wasn’t about the material things but fellowship, love, joy and so much more. Not only was Christmas redefined but family too. Family is far more than just the biological relatives you have, In Christ I have a much bigger family than ever imaginable. ‘Tis also the seasons of engagements, numerous friends this holiday season became engaged. I certainly miss the joy and excitement I had while I was engaged, I also yearn for a family of my own. I can’t control any of those aspects! Surprise! Besides to have what I want now would destroy the work God is doing in my life and in the life of my future husband. My timing isn’t Gods timing. (Such a hard lesson to learn) In all of these instances I am reminded of Mathew 6:25-34
 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Sometimes not worrying and allowing God to provide is rough, the waiting, and the timing. Things just don’t happen when we want them to but rather when we have a need. For instance my new job- I quit my old one with utter peace and knowing I had made the right decision. One entire day was spent job searching, the final place I applied to- Portobello’s. I walked out of the restaurant with a peace and knowing this was it. I followed up my application there a week later to show my interest and got the job, no interview, just a come in at 5pm to begin training. Driving home last night from this job it hit me, God has really provided and ultimately is faithful….