Wednesday, September 12, 2012

We're not on a need to know basis with God

Worry. About anything and everything. A car, books, school expenses,bills just to name a few of my resent worries. Matthew 6:25-34 Discusses worry- are we not more important than the animals of the earth? How special are we to be created in the image of God!?!? Yet we still worry. God asks us to trust him and not really on our own understanding ( proverbs 3:5-6) God takes care of our needs in his timing not ours which requires us to trust- each time we trust we build our relationship with God. In my case trust meant packing up and leaving home believing in the peace that he would provide for school. Over the course of 3 weeks of extensive prayer and frustrations at God he provided a car, books and the semesters tuition...: yet I still fear and worry about the next step of trust-- I've found myself guilty of wanting to be on a need to know basis with God... Yet I do not need to know my future. I need only trust for the next step, strength just for today. Just as a humanly father cares for his child and provides needs so will our heavenly father do so for us....

Proverbs 3:5-6 " trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"

Friday, July 13, 2012

On my knees

There come points your life where we all think we can do things on our own. when these times come we often forget to trust God. After all he holds everythingin his hands. In the past couple months I've found myself in this position often. In March of this year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Manic Depressive Disorder. At the time I didn't understand either of these disorders, therefore it was a big blow- knocking me flat on my face. I soon learned both conditions do not have a cure, but are manageable with a daily regimine of medications. Along with the medications I had to learn about both disorders and how my thought processes had to change. (behave your way out of depression) This became a scarry process for which I just had to trust in God that I would be/ was ok. Upon returning to school after this diagnosis, life was different. I was different, I believed I was a aweful diseased human being. These thoughts continued and once more during the semester I found myself in the ER for attempted suicide. This time I had walked to a bridge and sat on the edge in tears. I later wondered what was it that kept me from jumping? --it was that small glimmer of hope that God knew what he was doing in my life and the simple fact that he loved me. Shortly after this instance school let out and it wasn't long before summer dawned on me. I had great plans to work all summer at my daycare job and save up quite a bit of money. I was lead teacher of the school kids classroom, everything was perfect. I was prideful and completwely self reliant again.

Two weeks into summer I injured my knee on the job and lost my position as lead teacher. I was placed as a floater, meaning I was in every classroom, giving other teachers breaks. I hated it. A week later I decided none of this was worth living and I drove my car into a tree on an embankment. Instead of the car hitting the tree at 30 mph, it became wedged on a stump that was just a few inches shy of the tree. The car was smoking and sparking with bits of fire here and there. I was certain I had totaled the car. It was towed to my mechanic and was fixed for free! At which point I screamed at God and cried myself to sleep on a regular basis for a week. I wanted to know why he  hadn't let me die- and more importantly why did he allow my car to be fixed after I had just ran it into a tree. My answer after wallowing in my frustrations- "because I love you" this simply rang out over and over in my mind. Yet I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How could God save me from suicide for a third time in one year? How could I be worth saving? all of these questions swarmed my mind which let to one major question- WHY?!?!

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" yet again was my only answer, I found moderate peace in this answer for weeks. However I soon became dismantled and questioned everything again and was unhappy/ desperately mad at myself. I wasn't able to sleep for days and a good night of sleep was 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I couldn't go on like this- not getting sleep is enough to drive anyone batty. ( I was in a manic state of bipolar) I was miserable and couldn't think straight. I decided at this point I would yet again attempt to end it all and I overdosed on my depression medication; prozac. After refusing to speak to a friend or any sort of help the police were called on me, I didn't care- Life was grim. By the time the police had arrived I was dizzy, sleepy and sick feeling (from the overdose). Moments later i was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. On this day I also learned I had lost my job at the daycare. It was all the more reason I wanted to die. Yet again my attempt at suicide did not work and I was taken to Crises Stabilization unit ( the same place I was diagnosed in march) I was angry to be back in this place again and hated everyone. I was quickly checked in and was allowed to keep my journal, a pen,clothes and a bible. I also was placed in room # 1 for suicide watch. yet again. However during my stay this time I roomed with a older bipolar woman (whom, I'll refer to as Fran). Fran reffered to her bipolar as a thorn in her side, which kept her on her knees and often shattered her pride. This also led into a discussion about her devotional she had that morning. She gave the example of a peacock, they have beautiful feathers, but ugly feet. We all have some sory of physical defficency, which Paul identifies as  a thorn in the flesh.

" 2 corinthians 12:7-10 "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

I soon realized my thorn in the flesh is bipolar and manic depressive disorders. I quickly began begging and pleading with God to remove this. I even asked God if we could bargain. I could tell my answer was a dead no. I was increasingly angry at God- society looks down upon the mentally ill. This led to much more degrading of myself. Five days later I was released from Crisis and stayed with a friend. During this time I informed the individual I was living with I lost my job- and I would only be able to pay a small amount of the remaining rent owed. I explained I would pay the rest when I had another job- the woman was irrate and said many degrading comments and asked I get my things out ASAP. I simply could not handle this and didn't desire to live. I had no idea and doubted God would provide a place to live or rent. In my despair I cut. I thought the woman I was living with was a friend. I was deeply hurt. The following day  (Sunday) I agreed to go to a different hospital for more help.

Sunday came quickly and the day began with church. I broke down during church, I couldn't keep my composure and I herd a small voice saying "Can I have all of you". I was baffled- I didn't know what to say. Following church we packed all of my things which was tremendously difficult. Yet God provided the rest of the rent on this day as well as a place to live in KY. By the time I arrived at the hospital I was quite frazzled, I didn't care about life, anyone and was quite angry. I was immediately admitted and placed in the special care unit. In this unit cameras were everywhere, in my room the bathroom door didn't lock, there was no shower curtain, I wasn't allowed to have my journal, pens or even showering items. I was left with two books I had, my bible and clothes. Privacy was a privilege. I had to simply trust God knew what he was doing. The first two/ three days I wouldn't leave my room. I cried almost every moment and I hated God with every ounce left in me. I refused to go to processing groups on these days. However I had the opportunity to go to a less restricting unit- a christian based unit with more privileges. In my time at the new unit (new horizons) I broke and much of my frustrations were brought to light.

Concepts included seeing ourselves as beautiful- as God sees us...I deeply pondered this. How could I be beautiful enough for him to save me, love me and hold me? In the midst of processing this I found it to be rooted in anger. we are often angry at ourselves for many reasons or events that have happened in the past. I had many events for which I was angry- I needed to forgive myself. By not forgiving myself, I was stuck in the past and denied myself of any hope in the future. Forgiving myself by far has not been easy, it's a daily process. Sometimes forgiving others is significantly easier than forgiving ourselves. For often we are our own worst enemy. However this shed much light on the previous question of "can I have all of you?"

I had to forgive myself and let go of the anger which mostly consisted of anger at being bipolar/ manic depressive. I am forgiven and there is no need to pick this back up (sometimes its a daily process of forgiveness) Nine days later I was discharged and off to kentucky. It was a 6 hour car ride. The drive consisted of screaming at God to the point of thankful tears and praise.Since this point I am learning for him to have all of me means- simply praising him for who is on a daily basis, letting go of the past daily, maintaining hope for a brighter future and above all trusting him with everything.

Trusting him is a concept Im still learning, it is a total reliance on him for everything. For myself this has been trusting him with providing a place to live, having gas money to get to kentucky, recieving grace from the cellphone company (for 3 weeks) so that my cell phone is not turned off, waiting on him to sell my old cell phone to pay for car repairs, and waiting for my last paycheck from the daycare (three weeks) and simply getting a job- in the least expected place (mcdonalds) making minimum wage- which I haven't been paid so low in three years. however I'm thankful God even provided this job where as I was prideful and selfish in my higher paying job.  So I'm learning nothing is in my hands he owns it all. While I may have asked God to remove the thorn from my flesh often I believe I should thank him for it. It's keeping me humble, causing me to rely on him in my daily struggles. Its also keeping me on my knees, improving my prayers life and keeping my eyes fixed on him. May God always keep me on my knees....

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Hurt is real. It is deep; it picks the slightest and deepest wounds imaginable. Years of hurt make it far too easy to take pride in “being tough”. This tough side doesn’t allow us to focus on God or glorify him. Pride is the root of many sins. In the past few weeks and month, I have paraded around in pride. Pride in not wanting to accept help (a I can do everything mentality, I’ve been hurt enough I don’t need people) Crutches certainly don’t allow this view to stick! My knee injury occurred on January 8th, it is now February 15th. Definitely more than a month later, healing apparently takes time and so does God tearing down pride!

My pride doesn’t just get tabbed down solely to doing everything on my own but also pride in being hurt. That’s right. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day; it was always huge with my mom. As kids we always had a box of chocolates waiting on us. Last year I had a hugs from home package, which I smirked off as nothing. Mocking the simple attempt to appease me or make amends. While deep down I secretly liked getting the package. This year was quite different, my mother and I argued over how I’ve failed at so much and how my cell phone was disconnected. No package this year. No email. No text. No call. Nothing from her this year, not even the faintest I love you. I took pride in being hurt; I wanted to know she still cared. I knew packages would eventually end. Yet when they did my world fractured. I expected hurt that finally came through and took pride in being right.

Pride is a horrid sin for which the Lord hates and will address in our lives. Last night I was stuck between to chapters in scripture psalm 51 and Obadiah. Psalm 51:1-2 “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” And Psalm 51:17 “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Pride is crushing and develops a horrible attitude and outlook on things. In Obadiah the people of Edom were prideful. Obadiah 1:2-4 “See, I will make you small among the nations; you will be utterly despised. The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’ Though you soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars, from there I will bring you down,” declares the LORD. From where we are God can bring us down and will. He will do whatever it takes, even if it means physical pain. (In my case a knee injury) Brokenness hurts but is ok. A broken and contrite heart the Lord will not despise.

Monday, January 24, 2011

love redefined

God’s love is more than enough to handle my fear, its issue of trust. Letting go essentially! Love is a subject I've struggled with constantly, it is still being redefined. It is even tattooed on my ankle. Love as a child and growing up in an abusive/manipulative home was conditional. I had to impress to be loved. Contrary to the lie of love I was taught- God's love is UNCONDITIONAL. God's love is faithful, true and everlasting, far deeper than any love I could imagine!

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

God has proved to be faithful in my life in numerous circumstances providing things I needed, not on my time but his. Yet I fear in my current situation. My knee should have healed enough to warrant not using crutches and shouldn't still be swelling as bad. If it doesn't heal surgery is necessary, which brings about fear. I've been telling God no! No I won’t allow surgery, No I'm independent, No you can't do that and I don't have time for this. God makes time- surprise! I'm certainly not on my time anyways- it's all his. Regarding my knee I must ask- Is this fear valid? God is love?!  Perfect love cast out all fear right?!? So what is this fear?!?  A result of not letting go…his love is more than enough to triumph my fears.

His love is agape. Agape is as my bible defines "undefeatable, benevolence, and unconquerable goodwill that seeks the highest of the other person no matter what he does..." It is also everlasting. God's love today is the same love that held Job in his times of despair. His love is also truth.

John 8:32 "You shall know the truth and it shall set you free" The truth this verse is referring to is God.

I’m certain there is much more to his love I have yet to discover. It started with truth then faithfulness and trust. In psalm 25:4-5 David prayed for God to teach and show him truth. (I pray this for my own life)

Psalm 25:4-5 “show me your ways, O Lord; teach me in your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; on you I wait all the day.”

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

xanga posts moved :)

"Because I love you"

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

It’s been one week on crutches. Two week prior to today my God time was slim to none. On January 9th I had worked a full day and had to move back to Bryan (due to an impending snow storm). I certainly was in a rush to return to school before the snow started- and still needed to pack (from staying with the May’s family) The entire ride to the May’s home God’s voice in a small whisper kept saying “SPEND TIME WITH ME NOW”  I shrugged it off and argued aloud with him in the car. I was “to busy” for the most important aspect of my life. I returned to Bryan and finished moving by midnight and settled to unpack and watch the snow fall. God’s voice became louder “SPEND TIME WITH ME!”  “I’ll do it tomorrow- I don’t have time today” was my final response. My night was not restful.  I awoke to a sense of awe- Plenty of snow blanketing the earth. Magnificent, beautiful, white and cleansing!  Leaving my room to sled the that morning (a total mess- clothes, food...etc. scattered across the floor) I ventured as far as the gravel lot near the soccer field and slid standing up some of the way down (almost like skiing?) and couldn’t step over the curb and hyperextend my knee (my knee bent to far inward) this certainly wrecked my day at the time! I returned from the hospital with orders to stay off of my leg until it healed…I returned and had to have help maneuvering around, cleaning and putting all of my clothes and such away- I was helpless and angry with God. Classes started Wednesday- on crutches it was certainly interesting! I had to accept help getting food in the cafeteria, help up stairs and carrying things! Certainly a dent in my pride.  In the last few days I’ve spent more time talking and arguing with God over various things and received a radical answer after chapel on Friday. “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!”  All of this strife because he loves me? Really? You betcha! The 23rd Psalm begins with “The lord is my shepherd I shall not want…”  the correlation has clicked- if a shepherd has sheep that doesn’t listen to his voice he breaks the sheep’s leg and binds it up to heal while carrying the sheep like a child in pouch around his neck. By the time the sheep’s leg has healed the sheep doesn’t forget the shepherd’s voice. I’ve been too busy to stop and listen to God’s voice and give him time, my time prior to my injury consisted more of a wish list, telling God everything he needed to fix in my life. Who am I to demand from the creator of the universe such things as that? My injury has definitely been an attitude check in many ways.
Today was a prime example of an attitude check. I went to lighthouse counseling center for MLK day. I went with the notion “I can’t do anything I’m crippled” HA! - was I proved wrong. I was blessed in more than one way there! Plenty of seated jobs to do- dusting plants and minor painting. I saw the counselors who helped me so much in the last year, to stop cutting. I’ve finally established the concept, I am free. Nothing can take that away from me. The truth sets me free (John 8:32 “you shall know the truth and it shall set you free”) and though I’m free this doesn’t mean I’ll never be tempted to cut. Satan knows it’s my weakness. It’s rewarding to finally see where you are currently and where you have come and to be able to share and hear others journey in Christ. I’ve certainly needed an attitude check in several ways this week. My pride- it’s still falling. My desperate prayer for weeks to come is healing (obviously) and to stop and listen! Nothing having to be still to listen! It’s rough but with absolute certainty I know this is not my plan but his…

Forever you are faithful :)

 (dec 30th 2010)
Life was never promised to be easy, yet when it doesn’t go my way I break out into a temper tantrum, trying to control, sort and worry over everything within grasp. Perhaps some of these things not going my way are actually God’s way. In controlling things on my own truth become twisted and get slammed into a vortex of lies. Take worry for example, I’ve worried over paying bills numerous times.  This past spring semester the remainder of my tuition bill was $1,841.00. Two days before that amount was due my federal income tax check came, it was $1,861.00. That was 20 dollars over the amount I needed. My new job also provides another example; my checking had nothing but pocket change. Certainly not enough to cover a bill. Double that amount was made in tips last night, enough to pay the bill, have dinner, put gas in the car and still have a few dollars left over. Aside from money there is worrying about housing, it being Christmas break the dorms at Bryan are naturally closed. In desperation and worry and fear of not controlling the situation I began wishing Christmas away. It certainly did not go away, thankfully! Rather, it was redefined to be one of the best Christmas’ I’ve ever had. Christmas with my family was always full of fighting in every aspect known to man. Christmas day we gathered round the table for a silent meal and promptly left, it was always a concern of material items. My parents went into debt for all of the items given to us, and almost always were the latest and brand new in style…contrary this Christmas, spent with the Goggans family was quite different. It wasn’t about the material things but fellowship, love, joy and so much more. Not only was Christmas redefined but family too. Family is far more than just the biological relatives you have, In Christ I have a much bigger family than ever imaginable. ‘Tis also the seasons of engagements, numerous friends this holiday season became engaged. I certainly miss the joy and excitement I had while I was engaged, I also yearn for a family of my own. I can’t control any of those aspects! Surprise! Besides to have what I want now would destroy the work God is doing in my life and in the life of my future husband. My timing isn’t Gods timing. (Such a hard lesson to learn) In all of these instances I am reminded of Mathew 6:25-34
 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Sometimes not worrying and allowing God to provide is rough, the waiting, and the timing. Things just don’t happen when we want them to but rather when we have a need. For instance my new job- I quit my old one with utter peace and knowing I had made the right decision. One entire day was spent job searching, the final place I applied to- Portobello’s. I walked out of the restaurant with a peace and knowing this was it. I followed up my application there a week later to show my interest and got the job, no interview, just a come in at 5pm to begin training. Driving home last night from this job it hit me, God has really provided and ultimately is faithful….